Fan Fic Challenge Entries 2006/07

[Skykat]

FANFICTION CHALLENGE 6

Okay Jess and I only received two entries so we figured rather than let it drag on we'd post what we have and let Kat sart running the next challenge. As there is only two winners theres to be no picking winners or favourites, instead just feedback on the two stories. The point of these challenges is to improve after all.

Entry One

Immeasurable Damage

The memory rushed back yet again.

Smiling gently at the thought of being able to join him earlier than planned after all on their short break away from Summer Bay, she crossed the threshold of the hotel foyer and passed seamlessly into the carpeted corridor. Room 272, the desk clerk had informed her.

“Thank you.” She returned his smile, aware she looked classy, cool and confident. Like a woman in control.

She gritted her teeth and pressed her foot down on the accelerator, the pressure increasing steadily, her hands tightening their unwavering grip on the steering wheel. Staring unseeingly at the road ahead, her eyes glinted with the reflection of the last scattered gold and red flecked rays, as the sun slowly retreated beneath the trees. Sliding down beneath the horizon in a blaze of glory.

And yet she saw none of the beauty of the recent show. Her eyes instead displayed quite clearly the anger and hurt pulsating through her. All that she really saw was the cruelty of nature, promising so much only to snatch it away. She checked the side mirror, watching the road twist and turn into the reflected background and into the past, as the tarmac absorbed the darkness. Absorbing herself, absorbing her soul.

She pushed the car to its limits, as she had been pushed, burning through the road with the heat of her anger and friction of the tyres. She was finished with it all. He’d had enough chances and he was never going to get another one. Not now. Not after everything that had happened.

The lift glided smoothly up to the second floor, her shoes making no noise on the plush red carpet. Stopping briefly by the gilt-edged mirror on the wall, she smoothed back her hair, took a small bottle of the expensive scent he loved from her bag and sprayed her neck and wrists. Her reflection was still smiling. Still in control.

Gushes of cold air seeped into the car through the open windows. She glanced again into the wing mirror. A new reflection gazed back, tears soaking cheeks. Fingertips glided across the taught, dry, lifeless surface, broken up solely by the streams of tears. She tried in vain to brush them away.

She gripped the steering wheel with new purpose and sped on into the wilderness and loneliness. To cool night air and comfortable silence, to the rise and fall of the surrounding bush bordering on either side. Tyres shuddering over old, twisted and tangled roots of trees as a dampening atmosphere began to settle, cloaking all noise and movement as night truly took over. As memories mocked.

The silver numbers ‘272’ glinted, reflecting the light. Her hand made contact with the door… once, twice, three times. Smiling, she pushed it open, sure of her welcome. Only for her eyes to rest on the king size bed where he lay.

With another woman.

The sky above became darker, more menacing as trees became thicker and not a breath of air ruffled the leaves. All darkness now. All silence. Nothing but memories to play out in her mind.

Running up to the bed she hit him. Slapping and punching unrelentlessly, her hands attacking every bit of spare flesh on show. Unrestrained she let him know just how much he’d hurt her. She cried, she screamed and she fought against his arms, as he tried to calm her down.

She strained against the temptation, mentally forcing back the tears and keeping her eyes wide. This was so difficult…

And then she ran. She had a head start, reaching the car as he only reached the hotel foyer.

“Taylor! Come back!” He cried out.

She paused briefly, car keys in her hand. Twisting around she looked at him. For the last time.

He saw it as a tiny sign of hope. He ran down the hotel steps, racing furiously towards her. But she was already in the car, already speeding away.

“Taylor!” He screamed. “Taylor, please stop!”

“It’s too late,” she whispered to the memory, pressing her foot down hard, steering deliberately towards the tree. And in the moment before oblivion swallowed her forever she smiled. It was her decision. She was totally in control.

Entry Two

True Home

Kim eagerly rushed through the door and kissed his wife.’ Its official’, he said. ‘What is?’, Rachel asked. ‘I am now on a two week break!’, Kim said excitedly. ‘Oh lucky you’, Rachel said enviously. ‘There’s nothing to say you can’t take a break. You’ve been working hard all year’, Kim said smiling at his wife. ‘Yeah but the hospital needs me and what with you taking a break we need the extra cash, so that’s where I need to be’, Rachel replied, sounding slightly sad. As Kim sat down to watch the television, Rachel fetched her bag to head out. ‘Hey, where are you going?’, Kim asked. ‘We’re out of desserts. I’m just going to head to the diner’, Rachel answered. ‘Choc chip muffin will do me’, Kim said laughing. ‘I’ll see what I can do’, Rachel replied kissing her husband on the head. Rachel closed the front door behind her as Kim hurriedly got up to find a phone book. At the diner Rachel was ordering at the counter. ‘What can I get you sweetie?’, Irene asked. ‘A nice two week break would be nice’, Rachel said seriously. ‘Feeling a bit drained are we?, Irene asked. ‘You could say that’, Rachel said honestly. ‘Well you know what you need?...a holiday’, Irene said excitedly. ‘Me and Kim were just talking about that actually but I can’t’, Rachel said in reply. ‘Why not?, Irene asked sounding surprised. ‘It’s complicated. Can I have a cheesecake with two choc chip muffins please?’, Rachel asked. ‘Corse you can. Let me guess, Kim was the one who put his order in for the choc chip muffin?’, Irene asked with a smirk on her face. ‘He did indeed’, Rachel said smiling. ‘There you go’, Irene said passing over the desserts. ‘Thanks Irene’, Rachel said passing the money over to her. ‘You know, anytime you want to have a chat, I’m always here to talk to’, Irene said smiling.’ Thank you Irene, I may take you up on that some day’, Rachel replied as she slowly walked out of the diner ‘Anytime dahl…anytime’, she said smiling as Rachel left the diner. Rachel arrived back home and saw Kim looking trough the phone book. ‘Hey’, Kim said looking at the desserts Rachel had in the bag. ‘Hi’, Rachel said kissing Kim. ‘What are you reading that for?’, Rachel asked, looking at the phone book on the kitchen surface. ‘Ermm…nothing’, Kim said unconvincingly. ‘Come on, what are you looking at?’, Rachel said trying to get it out of Kim. ‘Nothing, Kim said calmly. ‘Okay, I believe you…just about’, Rachel said smirking. ‘I think I might get an early night, it’s been a long day’, Kim said yawning. ‘I’m not far behind you’, Rachel replied. ‘Night’, Kim said kissing his wife on the cheek. The next morning brought with it a beautiful sunrise. ‘Morning’, Kim said loudly. ‘Kim, its only 6 o’clock, come back to bed’, Rachel said putting a pillow over her ears. ‘Yeah but it’s like the best part of the day. I was thinking we could go for a swim or something. What do you think?’, Kim asked. ‘Ask me in a couple of hours’, Rachel replied, resting her head gently back on the pillow. ‘I’ll keep you to that’, Kim whispered as he shut the bedroom door. Two and a half hours later and the sun was shining brightly into the house. Rachel slowly lifted up her head before slumping it back down on the pillow again before noticing that Kim was standing by the side of the bed. ‘What are you doing here?’, Rachel asked with her mouth half open. I’m here to ask you if you would like breakfast in bed’, Kim said in a funny voice. ‘Wow, thank you. I’d love that’, Rachel said turning over to look at the clock. ‘Oh my goodness!’, she said quickly getting out of bed to put her dressing gown on. ‘What?’, Kim asked as Rachel frantically hurtled around the room. ‘Where are my slippers?’, Rachel asked staring at Kim. ‘There in the living room’, Kim said laughing. ‘I have a staff meeting to get to in about 2 seconds and I’m not ready’, Rachel said rubbing her head. ‘Just calm down okay, you’ll get there on time’, Kim said trying to reassure Rachel. ‘I can’t do this anymore’, she replied as she sat down in a chair. ‘Hey, everything will be okay. You might be a few minutes late but I’m sure that Julie and the other staff at work will be okay’, Kim said stroking Rachel’s face.’ You and me…we hardly see each other anymore. You are working when I’m at home and I’m working when you’re at home, Rachel said sighing. ‘I’m on holiday this week, so we will get to spend some more time together then’, Kim said smiling. ‘But what about when your holiday is over? Everything will just go back to how it was before’, Rachel said sadly. ‘If there was something I could say I would’, Kim said trying to reassure her. ‘I know. The thing is I don’t think it’s the hospital I have to get away from…I think its Summer Bay’, she replied. ‘So your saying that you don’t like it here anymore or is it something else?’, Kim asked. ‘No, it’s not that at all. It’s just ever since I came here its just been one thing after another, you know. Mum dieing, meeting you. ‘Which was one of the good things I hope?’, Kim asked jokingly. ‘Yes’, Rachel said smiling at her husband. Kim smiled warmly. ‘I just need to wind down and relax for a few weeks’, Rachel said honestly. ‘Whether that’s a very practical idea I don’t know but it feels like the right one to me.’, she continued. ‘I’ll ring the hospital and tell them you won’t be in today then okay?’, Kim said. Rachel nodded, and felt a weight had been lifted off her shoulders already. She didn’t have to save any lives today…she could just be herself and spend time with her husband, something she hadn’t felt like she had done since the day they got married. ‘All done’, Kim said as he put the phone down. ‘You are officially off work for the next couple of days’, he said sitting next to Rachel. ‘Sounds great but I don’t want to spend it just sitting around doing nothing, how about we go for that swim?’, Rachel asked. ‘I’ll just go and get my surfboard!’, Kim said as he quickly shot up from the sofa. Rachel smiled to herself before getting off the sofa to get dressed. ‘This is what having a holiday is all about isn’t it?’, Kim said smiling as he walked up the beach hand in hand with Rachel. ‘Absolutely’, she sighed. A few days passed since then and Kim was pacing anxiously around the kitchen. ‘Kim?’, Rachel asked. ‘Yep’, he replied. ‘What are you doing?, she asked. ‘…walking around the kitchen. What does it look like?’, he asked. ‘It looks like you have the same expression on your face as that time I come back from the diner the other day and you were looking through that phone book’, Rachel said smirking at Kim . A couple of second’s letter there was a knock at the door. Kim rushed over to get it. ‘Hi, what can I do for you?’, Kim asked. ‘Just need you to sign this’, the man at the door replied. Kim wrote his signature on the paper. ‘Thanks, there you go’, the man said passing Kim a letter. ‘Thanks mate’, Kim said smiling as he took the letter and shut the door behind him. ‘What’s that?’, Rachel asked. ‘Ermm…just a letter I was expecting that’s all’, Kim replied. ‘…right’, Rachel said unconvinced at Kim’s explanation.’ ‘I might have a shower then go to the diner for lunch, do you want to come?’, he asked. ‘I’d love too’, Rachel said kissing Kim. Kim walked into the bedroom and quickly tore open the envelope. Inside were two plane tickets to New York! Kim put them back and hid the letter in a draw and went into the bathroom. A quarter of an hour later and Kim and Rachel were heading to the Diner. ‘You were right you know’, Rachel said to Kim. ‘About what?’, Kim asked. ‘Taking a break for a couple of days…it feels great to be spending more time with you’, Rachel said smiling and looking at her husband. Kim smiled back as they walked into the Diner. ‘Hi you two’, Irene said smiling to both of them as they walked in. ‘Hey Irene, one choc chip muffin please’, Kim said eying the muffins in front of him on the counter. ‘I baked them especially for you Kim’, Irene said jokingly, as she passed the muffin to Kim. ‘I’ll just have a coffee please Irene’, Rachel said as she watched Kim eagerly eating the muffin he had just ordered. ‘Someone sounds better than they did a few days ago’, Irene said to Rachel. ‘Yeah I feel a lot better than I did. A break is really what I needed’, Rachel said smiling as Irene passed the coffee to her. Both Kim and Rachel walked over and sat on one of the benches inside the diner. Kim’s phone rang just as they had sat down. ‘Ah, I should probably get this’, he said to Rachel as he got up and answered the call outside. ‘Brad’, Kim said. ‘Hey mate, is Rachel there?’, Brad asked. ‘No mate she’s in the diner, I’m just outside’, Kim replied. ‘Good. I just had a call from the airport about you and Rachel’s flight’, Brad said sounding worried. ‘Well what’s happened?’, Kim asked. ‘It seems as though the dates got mixed up, your flight leaves tonight’ ‘What!’, Kim exclaimed. ‘Calm down mate, we’ll sort something out’, Brad said trying to reassure Kim. ‘I spent a lot of money on those tickets, Rachel desperately needs a proper break and now you’re telling me our flight leaves tonight. That just fantastic isn’t it? , Kim said sounding annoyed. ‘There’s only one thing you can do…tell Rach, Brad said waiting for a response. Kim stood still and pressed the end call button on his phone and rushed into the diner. ‘Kim, what are you doing’, Rachel asked as she saw him frantically run towards her. ‘I have a surprise for you but I can’t tell you what it is yet, but I need you to come with me’, Kim said holding Rachel’s hand. ‘Okay, well where is it?’, Rachel asked excitedly. ‘Oh my…goodness!’, Rachel shrieked as Kim showed her the plane tickets back at the house. ‘Thank you so much!’, she said as he wrapped her arms around him in a tight embrace. ‘There’s just one thing…the plane leaves tonight’, Kim said in anticipation as to what Rachel’s reply would be. ‘Tonight?’, Rachel questioned. ‘I know its not much notice but there was a mix up with the tickets and tonight is the only day that specific flight is available for such a good price’, Kim explained. ‘I can’t believe that you went to so much trouble’, Rachel said, still trying to take in what her husband had just done for her. ‘So do you want to go to New York?, Kim asked Rachel, hoping that her answer would be yes. ‘Yes!’, she replied hugging Kim once more. ‘Lets get on that plane tonight and head for New York’, Rachel said excitedly looking into her husbands eyes. A few hours later and Kim and Rachel were packing their luggage in their bedroom. ‘I can’t believe that in a couple of hours we will be on a plane heading to New York!’, Rachel said trying to contain her excitement. ‘It’s pretty amazing’, Kim said smiling. ‘Just like you are’, Rachel said as she moved over to where Kim was packing his suitcase. ‘I love you so much…you are incredible’, Rachel said leaning in to kiss her husband. A couple more hours had passed and it was finally time for Kim and Rachel to head for the airport. Sally, Brad and Leah had come around to help them get things organized before they left. ‘Now, have a great time’, Leah said as she hugged her dear friend Rachel. ‘And you have a great time too Kim’, Leah said as she leaned up to hug him. ‘Me and Brad have loaded the taxi with your stuff so I think you’re ready’, Sally said as she smiled excitedly at Kim and Rachel. ‘Look after my sister mate’, Brad said jokingly. ‘Don’t worry, I will’, Kim said giving his brother in law a firm hand shake. Outside of their house, Kim and Rachel waved goodbye to their friends and sat inside of the taxi. ‘You ready?’, Kim asked as he looked at his wife. ‘Yep’, she replied as she smiled at him whilst holding his hand. It wasn’t long before they arrived at the airport and boarded the plane that they were in New York. Kim and Rachel opened the door to their hotel. ‘Oh my goodness…this place is amazing!’, Rachel said as she looked around the hotel room’. ‘It’s pretty awesome hey?’, Kim said looking at Rachel. ‘I don’t know how to thank you for doing this Kim’, Rachel replied as she looked into Kim’s eyes. ‘Well…there is one thing you could do’, Kim said with a smirk upon his face. ‘What’s that?’, Rachel asked. ‘You could make me a bagel’, Kim said laughing. ‘Ah, I knew there was a catch somewhere!’, Rachel said laughing with him. ‘I’m only joking it’s the least I can do considering what you’ve done for me’, she said as she went over to get Kim a bagel. Kim slumped down onto the sofa. ‘More comfy than the plane was?’, Rachel asked Kim. ‘A thousand times better’, Kim replied. ‘Here you go, one toasted bagel…that didn’t take long did it?’ Rachel asked as she passed the plate to Kim. ‘Aghhh!’ Kim said as he dropped the plate. ‘Oh are you okay?’ Rachel asked. ‘No…the plate was boiling, I’ve just burnt my hand that’s all’, Kim replied clenching his painful hand. ‘I’ll get you some ice’, Rachel said as she rushed over to the kitchen. She looked in the fridge but couldn’t see any’. ‘There’s no ice, come over here and get some cold water over your hand’, Rachel said as she went over to Kim. ‘What kind of a hotel doesn’t have ice?’, Kim asked as he held his hand under the tap.’ Good question…is your hand feeling any better?’, Rachel asked as she turned off the tap. ‘Yeah, yeah it is’, Kim said still holding his hand tightly. ‘The pain will wear off I’m sure’, Rachel said as she sat Kim back down on the sofa. ‘This is a great start to the holiday, isn’t it?’, Kim asked faintly smiling at Rachel. ‘It’s only a minor setback Kim, don’t worry about it’, Rachel replied. ‘Why don’t I go out and get us some take away or something?’, Rachel asked. ‘Sounds good’, Kim replied. ‘You stay there okay? I don’t want you over doing it’, Rachel said smiling. ‘I’m not going anywhere’, Kim said as he lent up to kiss Rachel. Rachel walked out of the hotel towards the nearest restaurant. When she arrived, she checked her bag but couldn’t find her purse. ‘Oh no’, she said to herself as she realized that she had left it somewhere. She quickly walked back to the hotel. She knocked on the door as she had also left her key behind somewhere. ‘Coming’, Kim said as he slowly walked over to open the door. ‘Rachel, what are you doing back so soon?’, Kim asked. ‘I forgot my purse and I left my keys here as well’, she replied. She looked around the hotel for her purse and keys, but couldn’t find them. ‘Where are they?’, Rachel said exasperated. ‘I’ll help you look’, Kim said as he started to look around. ‘No, you go and sit back down and rest your hand’, Rachel said as she made sure Kim would sit down. ‘I must have left them at the airport’, Rachel said as she continued to grow more worried. ‘I should have bought more money with me, but here…take this’, Kim said as he gave her some money form his wallet. ‘Thank you but I don’t what we’re going to do if I can’t find the money’, Rachel said as she paced around the hotel room. ‘Rach, don’t worry about it.’ We will work it out somehow’, Kim said looking at Rachel. ‘Yeah. I’ll go and get us that take away then’ Rachel said as she kissed Kim. She entered the restaurant and ordered the take away. After waiting for fifteen minutes, Rachel started to get fed up at waiting so long so she went over to the counter to ask why the food was taking so long to get ready. ‘Excuse me’, Rachel said as she walked over to the counter. ‘What can I do for you?’, the cashier asked.’ I ordered some take-away about fifteen minutes ago and I still haven’t been called over so I’m just wondering why its taking so long?’, Rachel replied. ‘What was your order?’ ‘Ermm…it was this I think’, Rachel said pointing at a meal on the menu. ‘Oh right. Well that was ready about five minutes ago. I’ll just go and get it for you’, the cashier said smiling. ‘Right’, Rachel said getting more frustrated. ‘Here you go’, the cashier said as he passed Rachel the food. ‘Thanks’, Rachel said as she took the food. ‘…for nothing’, she whispered as she walked away. She arrived back to the hotel and dished out the meal. ‘I waited long enough so, hopefully it tastes good’, Rachel said passing the plate to Kim. ‘It didn’t burn me, it’s a miracle’, Kim said laughing with Rachel. ‘Who would have thought yesterday, that we would be in New York today?’, Rachel said looking out of the hotel window as she sat down. ‘Me actually’, Kim said smirking. ‘A toast…to us’, Kim said as he poured some wine into a glass and gave it to Rachel. ‘To us’, she said before both the glasses touched together. As the sun set over New York, Rachel and Kim were admiring the beautiful sunset out of the hotel window. From their hotel room, they could see the New York skyline to its full extent. As the hazy sky slowly turned to darkness, Rachel and Kim both fell asleep on the sofa. The next day, they were woken up by a loud noise coming from outside. ‘What…what was that?’, Rachel asked as she stirred from her sleep. ‘A dog?’, Kim said putting a cushion over his ears. ‘That was the best nights sleep I have had in ages…and I was on a sofa’, Rachel said in amazement as she got up to make herself a warm cup of coffee. ‘Do you want some coffee?’, Rachel asked. Kim simply nodded as he rolled himself off onto the floor. ‘Kim, are you alright?’, Rachel asked as she rushed over to see him. ‘I’m fine’, he said as he lifted himself off of the ground. ‘So much for a holiday…all I’ve been doing is falling over and injuring myself’, Kim said laughing. ‘You’ll be fine’, Rachel said smiling to Kim as she went over to pick up her cup of warm freshly made coffee. ‘Coming from a doctor, I must be okay then?’, Kim said laughing as he sipped the coffee Rachel had just given him. Rachel smiled. ‘So have you got any plans for what we should do today?’, she asked. ‘We don’t have much money so I guess the answer to that one is, no’, Kim said sounding disappointed. ‘True, but just because we don’t have much money doesn’t mean we can’t have a good time, does it?’, Rachel asked. ‘I guess not’. Kim said unenthusiastically.’ ‘How about we go for a walk?’, Rachel asked as she smiled at Kim who was half awake. ‘Maybe later’, he replied. ‘You get some more sleep then’, Rachel said as she kissed Kim’s forehead. She walked over to the kitchen and sat on one of the barstools overlooking the amazing view that was the New York skyline at dawn. She sighed as she looked over at Kim snoozing on the sofa, while she was up and about and ready to explore. A few hours later and Kim began to wake up. ‘Hey’, Rachel said putting the paper she was reading, on the kitchen work surface. ‘How long have I been asleep?’, Kim asked as Rachel came over to sit next to him. ‘A couple of hours’, Rachel said smiling at Kim. ‘I bet you needed it though, after the flight’, Rachel said as she went over into the kitchen to make some toast. ‘Yeah I did’, Kim said as he rubbed his eyes and got up. ‘Toast…my biggest nightmare’, Kim said looking at his hand that was burnt the night before. ‘That was a bagel!’, Rachel said laughing at Kim. ‘They are the same thing…basically’, Kim smirked. ‘So you won’t be having one then?’, Rachel asked. ‘Nah, I think I’ll head out. I was thinking maybe we could go out for dinner tonight. What do you think?’, Kim asked as he poured himself a glass of water. ‘With hardly any money?, Rachel sighed. ‘What are we gonna do without any money Rach?’, Kim asked. ‘I don’t know. The only thing I can think of is that I left my purse along with the extra cash you put in there at the last minute at the airport and we can’t go back there now’ , Rachel said disappointingly. ‘I should have kept the money with me’, Kim said as he walked around the hotel room. ‘Are you saying that its my fault we are stuck here with no money?’, Rachel asked. ‘No, I didn’t mean it like that’, Kim said as he went over and looked into his wife’s eyes. ‘What I meant was, is that I wanted you to have a trip of a lifetime and now that’s not going to happen, I’m just disappointed that’s all’, Kim said apologetically. ‘It’s not your fault Kim. I was in charge of carrying the money so if it’s anyone’s fault its mine’, Rachel replied as she went to sit over on the sofa. ‘You know what? Lets not sit around here moping all day lets just go out for a week, it might clear our heads a bit’, Kim said smiling. ‘I’d like that’, Rachel said as she kissed Kim. An hour later and the sun had fully risen above New York as Kim and Rachel walked hand in hand along a secluded beach. ‘Isn’t this just amazing?’, Rachel said as she looked out over the bright blue sea. ‘Sure is’, Kim said smiling as him and Rachel sat on a big rock overlooking the beautiful waves that were making a gentle sound around them. ‘I can’t believe we are the only ones here’, Kim said as he looked around the beach in amazement. ‘Yeah, which means we’ve got the place to ourselves’, Rachel said looking up at Kim. They smile at each other and start kissing. ‘I could stay here forever’, Rachel said as she slowly closed her eyes and rested her head upon her husbands shoulder. ‘Me too’, Kim said smiling as he kissed Rachel’s heads and look out over the beautiful horizon that was before them. After walking back slowly, they arrived back at the hotel. Before they could sit down though, room service arrived. ‘Hi’, Kim said as he opened the door. ‘Hope your enjoying your stay?’, the man asked. ‘Yeah, its okay…great’, Kim said as he felt Rachel pinch his arm. ‘I’ve got the bill for you’, the man said as he handed it over to Kim. ‘There must be some kind of mix up, I’ve already paid in advance’, Kim said baffled at the situation. ‘I’m sorry but I think you’re wrong. Your’re going to be paying per night’, the man said. ‘What!’ Kim said loudly. ‘Look I’m sorry if you thought you had paid in advance but you haven’t’, he replied. ‘Lets just pay for last night then’, Rachel said looking a Kim. ‘But we’ll have no money left for the rest of the trip’, Kim said getting more angry. ‘We wouldn’t have had enough anyway’, Rachel said trying to reason with Kim. ‘Here take this!’, Kim said as he handed over the money to the man and slammed the door behind him.’ Kim, I can’t believe you just did that!, Rachel said shocked. ‘This holiday has been nothing but a nightmare since we got here and we’ve only been here what…a day?’, Kim said chucking the bill on the floor. ‘Just calm down a bit Kim’, Rachel said as she could see Kim was getting uptight. ‘We don’t have any money here….its as simple as that’, Kim said as he sat down on a barstool looking out over of the window at the horizon. ‘We’re going to have to go back home’, Kim said looking at Rachel. ‘Don’t worry…I understand’, Rachel said to Kim as she knew that he would feel guilty. They packed their things together and had soon arrived at the airport. A woman came up to Rachel from the check in desk. ‘Excuse me, is this yours’, she asked holding a purse. ‘Yes it is, thank you so much! Me and my husband had to cut our trip short because we ran out of money. And it was here the whole time’, Rachel said annoyed but pleased that the money had been returned to them. ‘I’m glad I could help’, the woman replied. Rachel smiled and ran over to Kim, who was standing near a vending machine. ‘Look what I’ve got?’, Rachel said holding out the purse to Kim. ‘You found it’, Kim said loudly. ‘No, the woman at the check in did’, Rachel said smiling. ‘Excellent, I can get two Mars bars in stead of just one’, Kim said laughing with Rachel. As the sun set once again over busy New York, Kim and Rachel boarded the plane. ‘I’m glad we came here you know’, Rachel said. ‘Why’s that?’, Kim asked as he bit into part of the Mars bar. ‘Because now I realize how much I love home…Summer Bay’, Rachel said with a beaming smile. Kim smiled back at her. As the plane flew off of the runway, Kim and Rachel looked out of the window and gazed at the incredible sunset that they were leaving behind but looked ahead to the journey ahead in their home of Summer Bay.

Please Read and Review HERE.

[Skykat]

If you're going to review please don't bother unless you're going to put some thought into it and actually post something of use to the author. Stuff to think about:

Review Guidelines

Please remember that while reviewing, there is more than simply the character/pairing to be taken into consideration. Here are some questions you might consider when reviewing each story.

1. Was the character believable? Were you able to picture it in your mind and hear the character saying things? Do you feel that the author managed to tap into the character to make it their own? Was the interaction between the characters (if applicable to the story) believable?

2. Were there any lines or moments that stood out to you? Why did they stand out?

3. Did the author use descriptive language and/or emotive language to draw you into the story?

4. Overall, was the story appealing to you? Why/Why not?

5. What do you feel could be improved by the author? Do you have any suggestions for them?

--

Please review both entries.

[Skykat]

For those not sure how to review a story, I thought I'd share how I do it. I copy and paste the story intro word and the as I read through it I delete sections leaving only the best bits of description, dialogue etc that I want to cmment on. Once I've done that I go back and write a little bit explaning why I picked that bit out, what i liked, didn't like about it. Then I give an overal feel on the story and try to suggest one or two ways the writer an improve, minor or major things. Even if the story is perfect I still try and find something to say because i think every writer benefits that way. And always end on a positive note. - Hope thats helpful.

My reviews:

Entry One

Like a woman in control. – That was so effective. It made the difference between the memory and the real time so vivid, the fact that she was in control then and she’s clearly not anymore.

eyes glinted with the reflection of the last scattered gold and red flecked rays, as the sun slowly retreated beneath the trees. Sliding down beneath the horizon in a blaze of glory.

was the cruelty of nature, promising so much only to snatch it away.

watching the road twist and turn into the reflected background and into the past, as the tarmac absorbed the darkness. Absorbing herself, absorbing her soul.

She pushed the car to its limits, as she had been pushed, burning through the road with the heat of her anger and friction of the tyres.

Absolutely awesome imagery. The technique of using surroundings to describe feelings and emotions is so effective and really well done. I could imagine this vividly, superb description, really intense imagery.

Gushes of cold air seeped into the car through the open windows. She glanced again into the wing mirror. A new reflection gazed back, tears soaking cheeks. Fingertips glided across the taught, dry, lifeless surface, broken up solely by the streams of tears. She tried in vain to brush them away. – the pure desolation of that image, again really well written.

She gripped the steering wheel with new purpose and sped on into the wilderness and loneliness. To cool night air and comfortable silence, to the rise and fall of the surrounding bush bordering on either side. Tyres shuddering over old, twisted and tangled roots of trees as a dampening atmosphere began to settle, cloaking all noise and movement as night truly took over. As memories mocked.

I had to pick that bit out, it stood out as an almost perfect piece of description and imagery. Flawless and very effective.

The sky above became darker, more menacing as trees became thicker and not a breath of air ruffled the leaves. All darkness now. All silence. Nothing but memories to play out in her mind. – I really got the sense of the darkness, the sadness building, again really dramatic powerful imagery and it really set the tone through this story.

“It’s too late,†she whispered to the memory, pressing her foot down hard, steering deliberately towards the tree. And in the moment before oblivion swallowed her forever she smiled. It was her decision. She was totally in control.

wtf?? I can’t believe she just did that! I was so surprised by the ending, I did see why she felt she had to do it and I liked the idea of control running through this story, how it started and ended with control and how it almost came back full circle.

Overall I really liked this, the imagery and description was sensational, really well done, very powerful and well written. A simple story made brilliant through good writing techniques.

Just two criticisms, very minor and didn’t detract from the story at all but I felt at times the recollections lacked subtlety. I’m not even sure how to explain what I mean. I just felt sometimes it was a bit blunt, like she did this, she did that and may have benefited from a bit more padding if that makes sense. I know the point was that the images stood out from the description but I just felt at times that they stilted the story a bit. Does that make any sense at all?

Secondly where’s your sense of girl power!? I couldn’t comprehend the notion that she’d kill herself over this. You wrote her well, I saw her as this strong sassy woman with a vulnerability who had been emotionally devastated, I can’t help thinking I’d have liked to see her come up fighting.

However, it did nothing to detract from a really well written, simple but very effective story. The prompt was more of a background to the story but that was fine for this type of challenge and I thought you did it really well.

Entry Two

I liked the banter between Kim and Rachel in the opening section, the way the easy conversation flowed, I found the characters believable and their interaction worked well.

You got Irene spot on. I liked the conversation between her and Rachel, the dialogue was really good and the conversation really believable.

‘Ask me in a couple of hours’, Rachel replied, resting her head gently back on the pillow. ‘I’ll keep you to that’, Kim whispered as he shut the bedroom door. – Aw the cuteness, I really imagined Kim as wanting his early morning surf and Rachel wanting the precious few hours in bed. Again very believable well constructed dialogue.

‘You and me…we hardly see each other anymore. You are working when I’m at home and I’m working when you’re at home, Rachel said sighing. – The desperation in her voice I can almost hear. This reflects what happened in home and away and I soo can see this happening. Except Kim is way more supportive in this and he was a moron in home and away.

and felt a weight had been lifted off her shoulders already. She didn’t have to save any lives today…she could just be herself and spend time with her husband, something she hadn’t felt like she had done since the day they got married.

Aww poor Rach. Again could see this happening, I could imagine her being so burnt out.

Kim walked into the bedroom and quickly tore open the envelope. Inside were two plane tickets to New York! Kim put them back and hid the letter in a draw and went into the bathroom.

hehe I knew he was planning a surprise holiday or her, I was just waiting to guess what..

‘I spent a lot of money on those tickets, Rachel desperately needs a proper break and now you’re telling me our flight leaves tonight. That just fantastic isn’t it? , Kim said sounding annoyed.

Now that sounds more like the Kim we know in home and away, constantly negative. I liked how it was Brad tring to reassure him though I’m not sure why the airport would phone Brad?

‘It’s pretty amazing’, Kim said smiling. ‘Just like you are’, Rachel said as she moved over to where Kim was packing his suitcase. ‘I love you so much…you are incredible’, Rachel said leaning in to kiss her husband. – Awww…!

‘Well…there is one thing you could do’, Kim said with a smirk upon his face. ‘What’s that?’, Rachel asked. ‘You could make me a bagel’, Kim said laughing. ‘Ah, I knew there was a catch somewhere!’, Rachel said laughing with him. – theres that banter again. I loved the easy dialogue in this.

‘To us’, she said before both the glasses touched together. As the sun set over New York, Rachel and Kim were admiring the beautiful sunset out of the hotel window. From their hotel room, they could see the New York skyline to its full extent. As the hazy sky slowly turned to darkness, - great description.

When things started to go wrong the characters reacted exactly how I imagined they would, Kim with negativity and Rachel with optimism. Great dialogue, very believable.

‘Because now I realize how much I love home…Summer Bay’, Rachel said with a beaming smile. Kim smiled back at her. As the plane flew off of the runway, Kim and Rachel looked out of the window and gazed at the incredible sunset that they were leaving behind but looked ahead to the journey ahead in their home of Summer Bay.

And a great, happy ending.

The strengths in this were the dialogue, you’re really good at writing strong, believable dialogue. The interaction between the characters works well and conversation flows. Again it was a simple idea.

Some suggestions, I feel this would have worked better with some structural changes. New lines for each speaker, paragraphs to separate periods of time, might have made it a bit easier to read. If I posted it wrong I apologise, I just think breaking it up a bit might have made it easier to read.

I’d have liked to have seen more of Rachel and Kim’s feelings about what had happened. Rather than cramming so much in, maybe it might have worked better as a conversation with Rachel and Kim reliving the run up to the holiday and the nightmare holiday itself through a series of recollections so we got an idea of the bare happenings without a lot of the extra bumph, if that makes sense. I also think that would have given you some great openings to explore the characters feelings through description which you’re obviously good at. I’d have just liked to have see more.

A nice simple story, your dialogue is your strength, very believable and well written, with a few formatting changes this could have been outstanding but nethertheless it was a good entry and an enjoyable read. Well done!

[sevenpuddings]

Story one; blew me away from beginning to end. Imagery and descriptions are your strong point, and you never go in half-heartedly.

The one problem I had initially was that I was unsure as to which characters it was about. There was a certain ambiguity about it that I cannot for the life of me figure out if I liked or disliked. It gave us time to adapt to the charactes and get to know them before we knew who they were, which was great... I hope.

Flashbacks were used amazingly, only furthering my belief that you can describe the most amazing things with this array of words which is unbelievable.

The contrast between what was and what is was also so captivating, another thing I enjoyed immensly.

“It’s too late,” she whispered to the memory, pressing her foot down hard, steering deliberately towards the tree. And in the moment before oblivion swallowed her forever she smiled. It was her decision. She was totally in control.

This, as an ending, is spine-chilling yet so moving. She, as a central character, obtains the readers empathy the minute the story is set from her point of view. And this, was simply a spectacular ending. I loved it. And you should write more, where Drew&Belle don't split up!

Story Two: Paragraphing is your friend, first and foremost. Having a story that just runs isn't as easy to read as other stories which are broken up into segments of storyline.

Dialogue is really your strong point, which is good, because it means nothing gets confusing with description. However there were moments when I would have liked to have the action described to me, rather than plain out told. While Kim said something to Rachel, what was he feeling, and how did Rachel feel to be on the recieving end of the statement. Rather than simple excitement, go into the bubbling joy. There also seems to be erratic jumps from one feeling to another, which I think would have been great with a bit more detail.

Rachel nodded, and felt a weight had been lifted off her shoulders already. She didn’t have to save any lives today…she could just be herself and spend time with her husband, something she hadn’t felt like she had done since the day they got married

I really liked that part. It had wonderful explaination and description - especially where you mention she didn't have to save any lives, that shows a deep emotion that I'm glad you touched on concerning her stress. A well written moment.

I got the feeling that this would have been a great longer story. Rachel and Kim having a few chapters realising their lives were way too stressful, followed on by their planning for a New York trip, and then spending a large part of the story exploring NY, having their issues and the dimensions it gave to their characters. However given that you did write it as a one shot, I'm more than impressed with the way the story did continue to flow from beginning to end.

Overall, both stories were well written, and I hope others will both review, and participate in coming challenges.

[I love music]

Shattered, and going to bed, but hope to have time to read and review tomorrow.

[kase]

Story 1

Wow. What an amazing story. What a great way to tell the story. The present and the use of the memory interweaving within the story. Great imagery:

Staring unseeingly at the road ahead, her eyes glinted with the reflection of the last scattered gold and red flecked rays, as the sun slowly retreated beneath the trees. Sliding down beneath the horizon in a blaze of glory.

The sky above became darker, more menacing as trees became thicker and not a breath of air ruffled the leaves. All darkness now. All silence. Nothing but memories to play out in her mind.

And there are just sentences that really stand out to me.

She checked the side mirror, watching the road twist and turn into the reflected background and into the past, as the tarmac absorbed the darkness. Absorbing herself, absorbing her soul.

Tyres shuddering over old, twisted and tangled roots of trees as a dampening atmosphere began to settle, cloaking all noise and movement as night truly took over. As memories mocked.

It was just a beautifully written piece. And the ending was so shocking, but tied in so well. I can understand her need to be in control resulting in controlling her life (or death), but I also agree partially with Kat about having the control to come back fighting. At the same time, it is a one shot and I prefer your ending. Such great descriptions, and I like the lack of dialogue. Where you use it, it has more significance. Less is more in other words.

Story 2

This piece is the opposite in terms of dialogue. It made the piece. It was definitely your strong point and carried the story. However, I found it really hard to follow because of the structure. It's hard to keep up and not lose where you are up to in a mass of words.

You make Kim and Rachel so cute! I loved Kim's little perks about his muffin and his bagel...or any sort of food. Men and food *sigh*. I have to agree with everyone so far about this line:

She didn’t have to save any lives today…she could just be herself and spend time with her husband, something she hadn’t felt like she had done since the day they got married

It just rings with tiredness and relief from what has been happening. What is happening with their marriage. I'm not sure if Kit and Archie are apart of this story, I assume not as they would have been mentioned. But either whether or not they were part of the problem, the fact that they were finding it hard to maintain their marriage was apparent. Yet you could feel the love from both of them, both trying to work it out.

I really liked how you had Rachel wanting a few more hours sleep at the start of the story, then later on it was Kim trying to get shut-eye. It sounds insignificant but it really made me smile about the mutual love and consideration between the pair.

The storyline was fun, there was always a hitch, there was plenty of love, it was light, and the ending was very happy and poignant of the theme 'holiday'.

[I love music]

Story 1

Okay, Jade, I couldn’t review when I proofed as obviously this was your fic and I didn’t want to influence, just to guide you. A couple of criticisms however and then on to the positive. First (and this applies to anyone who’s work I proof) don’t change spellings back when I’ve edited them - “taut” and not “taught” really is the correct spelling of the word in that context! Also the fic really was too short, we needed need to know more about the characters. We got to know who Taylor was and what was going on in her mind, but all I ever knew about her boyfriend/husband was that he was having an affair!

Anyway, negative criticism over. Like I said, I loved your vivid descriptions, especially Staring unseeingly at the road ahead, her eyes glinted with the reflection of the last scattered gold and red flecked rays, as the sun slowly retreated beneath the trees and Tyres shuddering over old, twisted and tangled roots of trees as a dampening atmosphere began to settle, cloaking all noise and movement as night truly took over.

You have a great ability for description and mixing them in with emotions and it’s very, very effective.

Not everyone liked Taylor’s ending; sorry, this was my idea (as I thought the story needed more than Taylor simply driving off into the night).

Great effort, Jade!

Story 2

Very realistic dialogue and it was lovely to read a nice, happy fic. But without paragraphs I got kind of breathless, wondering where I was up to! You know, I couldn’t help thinking this would have worked much better as a script rather than a story eg

Kim eagerly rushed through the door and kissed his wife.’ Its official’, he said. ‘What is?’, Rachel asked. ‘I am now on a two week break!’, Kim said excitedly. ‘Oh lucky you’, Rachel said enviously. ‘‘’, Rachel replied

would be changed to:

Kim and Rachel’s home. Kim rushes in and kisses his wife.

KIM: It’s official.

RACHEL: What is?

KIM: I’m now on a two week break!

RACHEL: Oh, luck you! (sighs enviously)

KIM: There’s nothing to say you can’t take a break. You’ve been working hard all year.

RACHEL: Yeah but the hospital needs me and what with you taking a break we need the extra cash, so that’s where I need to be.

See how much easier that is to read? When you did the descriptions you did them quite well eg An hour later and the sun had fully risen above New York but they were too and far between while your dialogue had great strength - which is why this works much better as a script.

Great effort!

[bttb-rox!]

Thanks for all of your comments. I really appreciate them . It was nicely paragraphed, but it seems as though SkyKat received it without the modifications. I'm not quite sure how that happened .

Anyway, thanks again for your comments and suggestions .

[sevenpuddings]

Thanks for all of your comments, I really appreciate them . I am so annoyed right now because when I was editing the fic it was nicely paragraphed but it seems as though SkyKat received it without the modifications...i'm not quite sure how that happened .

Anyway thanks again for your comments and suggestions .

Skykat recieved it the way I did, so I don't know what happened. I guess I should have replied and asked. Sorry about that. I'm sure if you want to re-post it somewhere with the layout correct there wouldn't be any issues.

[bttb-rox!]

Hmm...I can't remember who I posted it to! As I said before...I have noooo idea why I didn't come out right, so I do apoligize if it was hard to read!

I was thinking of reposting it, if thats okay? However, I'm not quite sure where I should post it...